Getting a Good Grip on Your Worth-Or Battling Perfectionism from the Standpoint of the Non Negotiable

By Monica Ross

There's a clip that I use in sessions. I keep coming back to it.  So, I'm just going to pause during my lunch break here and get this post out before entering into a block of sessions this afternoon.

The clip is less than a minute in length.  Anytime I use multimedia I ask for permission from my clients and try to keep it to a minimum. I also only use something, if I think it applies. As we know with the learning process in general, sometimes it helps with learning to go over the same material but in a different way.

Here’s the clip.  Brené Brown, of course, has gained in popularity over the past several years.  I have so many other readings that admittedly I haven’t taken the time to go through all of her stuff and in some sense, I feel like I’ve come across the material that she presents in other ways. 

But, in the above clip she’s talking about value, one’s own perceived value.  I incorporate a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy in sessions (CBT) and what Brené says at the beginning of this clip is very much CBT oriented.  She says: If you go through the world looking for evidence that you don’t belong you will always find it.

What I point out to my clients is that you can fill in the blank with all sorts of replacements “If you go through the world looking for evidence that __________”

-you are weak
-you are powerless
-you are bad
-you are inadequate
-you are a failure

Then she goes on to say “Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people, we carry those inside of our hearts.”  I think that people who sometimes come in with issues related to self-esteem find themselves in life in some ways battling with someone or something over their self-worth.

I see that as entering the "negotiation phase" as Brené Brown says.  The automatic thinking goes something like this, “Well my boss did call me in to point out that I better improve my performance in this area and if I don’t I could possibly get laid off, so I must be a failure” or “My wife told me that if I don’t lose the weight she’s going to leave” or “I have difficulties letting people get close to me because they will find out how deeply flawed I am.”

In all of these fictionalized examples, the person speaking has placed a condition on their worth based on different situations they find themselves in.  The underlying thinking sounds something like: If I can keep my job, I can prove my worth.  If I can lose the weight, I can prove my worth.  If I can sustain this marriage, I can prove my worth.

What’s being left out are two things 1) all of the mitigating circumstances and contributing factors that lead to the situation 2) the idea in the first place that one’s worth could be a topic of conversation for the day. 

What if the person facing job loss is in the wrong profession?  What if the person with the weight issue doesn’t, in fact, have a weight issue, but a marital problem?  What if the person who does not find themselves in close friendship is not in anyway flawed, but has difficulty finding people to connect authentically with in a world that at many times can be so unauthentic?

In other words, there are alternative ways of looking at each of these scenarios.  But the one thing that remains constant throughout is that a person’s worth, a person’s dignity should never fall into question.  Because we all have inherent worth and dignity. 

This is a non-negotiable.  Part of the work of therapy is to get a lock-solid grip on that concept.  And there are various tools for getting there. Time and again in life we will encounter relationships that end, we’ll be the recipient of mean things said or done, we’ll make mistakes--it’s part of being human. 

Life can be god damn messy at times, no doubt due in large part to miscommunications and misperceptions and randomness. But here is the take away for me and part of what I want to try to impart to others as I do this work.

There doesn’t need to be the fear that people will hit on that thing of all things that we guard so well against, because if people only knew, then they’d reject us in the same way that we reject ourselves.  That thing whatever it is and whatever it causes us to believe about ourselves isn’t true.

So there's no need to fear it.  It’s an opinion, a false assumption.  

Once that is realized instead, the above list can be replaced with:

--you might feel powerless at times but you can control what you can control
--you may have done “bad” things, but that doesn’t make you a bad person
--there are times in life where we miss the mark and fall short in some way and feel inadequate, but we can accept ourselves despite our shortcomings, as we are on the path towards self-improvement

If perfectionism is about meeting all conditions.  And those conditions are tied to our self-worth. Then we can let go of the need to be perfect because our self-worth is nonnegotiable and from that perspective, we already all perfect.  Perfectly imperfect.

 

 

For the Mothers who Worry

by Monica Ross

In 1961 Tillie Olsen who was a writer, teacher, and activist won an award called the O. Henry award for a short story named “Tell Me a Riddle.” It was the title story in a collection of short stories that she wrote. In my junior year of high school we read one of the other stories in the collection called “I Stand Here Ironing.” In that story, the protagonist who is a mother, reflects on the way she parented her first child. As she is recalling her first born Emily’s growing up years she is talking in her mind to what appears to be Emily’s school guidance counselor.

She is standing at an ironing board in her home as she irons and in her mind is the conversation.  She is thinking of the things that she wants to say and address with the guidance counselor once they speak in person or on the phone. We can all relate to those almost meditative moments when we’re doing a mundane task and placing ourselves in a future moment, a conversation.

The guidance counselor has got her thinking because he called her out of concern for her daughter.  You hear in this mother’s words as she self-reflects her feelings of guilt. She struggled in raising her children. She reflects on how each child grew up in a different way.

Because each child’s critical period marked a different moment in the family’s history—the time Emily’s father deserted the family, the time Emily’s mother worked hard as a single-parent. The protagonist reflects on how she got better at parenting over time and with the other children and how that concerns her as well when she thinks of Emily.  Perhaps Emily didn't have that same advantage.

The short story ends with "Let her be. . . .There is still enough left to live by. Only help her to know - help make it so there is cause for her to know that she is more than this dress on the ironing-board, helpless before the iron."

And so, as a reader, one begins to think.  Is this how the mother felt about her life—with the iron as metaphor? Did she feel helpless in a way by situation and circumstance and does she want better for her daughter?

Or is this a reflection on the time period overall and women’s rights, or both?  The reader begins to think so.  The story takes place in the 1950s and the protagonist reflects back to the 1930s and 40s.

But why this short story is so compelling and the reason for my even mentioning it here is that it is a commentary, as well, on a parent’s circle of influence. The protagonist mother talks about her 19 year old daughter Emily, the one the guidance called in concern over and about how much of how her daughter appears today is am amalgamation of so many things.

There was all the parenting that her mother gave, but also all the things that Emily came across in her environment, the people, places, and things there were beyond her mother.

“There is all that life that happened outside of me, beyond me,” she says.

I observe sometimes in parents concern about their children and outside influences. There is the ex wife who is concerned about how her former husband lets their child stay up until 3 am on a Saturday night when the child is at his house.

Or maybe there is the grandparent who over disciplines the grandchild and is overly strict. One or other the parents may worry over that.   There is the caregiver that worries over the experience the child had with bullying in school.

Or maybe there was that summer that the child wasn’t able to go on the high school trip when their band played in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade because they had the flu—and what impact did that have? There was the tragic death that happened in the family when the child was at a young age.  These are all fictional examples or examples that I draw from friends and family.

But whatever that thing is that is outside and beyond the parent and exerting an influence—situational factors, people, places, things—those things are there for a reason and for the benefit of the child. And though I see parents in pain sometimes over not being able to exert control, those things actually can work to their child’s advantage.

Even the things that aren’t so pleasant because what happens is that the child learns how to adapt in different environments. It builds their capacity for instance for resilience.

I want to say to these mothers, like the mother so beautifully portrayed in the short story—like my own mother, it’s going to be okay, it’s all going to be okay. Those things your child went through, the traumas of life, they have the capacity for making your child oh so much stronger.

We are mysterious beings—and it’s a wonder how some have the capacity to develop resilience in the face of adversity and how some struggle. Why for instance for some does a bad experience contribute to an excuse for continued undesireable behavior, while in others the same experience becomes a reason not to continue in undesireable behavior?

If we as clinicians could just get a lock on how to do that better--how to better build resilience. We have different tools and techniques to try in order to build that capacity, but at the end of the day every person is unique, every situation, every family.

One child grows up with an alcoholic parent and never touches alcohol as a result. Another child grows up with an alcoholic parent and themselves become an alcoholic. I spoke earlier about epigenetic effects and perhaps with this example both children have the marker for alcoholism, but something in the environment triggers the expression of it for one and not the other.

And maybe it is as simple as that.

But that puts a lot of influence and control in the environments we find ourselves in and I think it takes away from acknowledging a person’s ability not only to be influenced by the environment, but to exert influence over one’s environment.

The goal is to reach a place maybe of being able to respond to what appears before us throughout the course of any given day and not always just to constantly react, react because of past hurts and traumas and automatic negative thoughts and negative core beliefs and the like.

And I really do believe that therapy can help with that. That is the whole purpose of what we’re trying to accomplish here—to alleviate personal suffering, to heal, to prevent people from harming others. This profession that I’m in, it really is a noble one with an ambitious aim. And it’s one of the reasons why I love it so much.

It’s not perfection we’re aiming for, but it is an attempt at improving things—a sometimes faltering and feeble attempt and a sometimes steady and stable attempt. The struggle to overcome adversity--some aliken it to learning how to walk.

The quote goes “The child when she falls down, doesn’t say to herself this walking isn’t for me. She gets back up and tries it again until she masters it.”

 

"Shoulding" and "Musting"

On to the next unhelpful thinking style—“shoulding” and “musting.” This unhelpful thinking style comes into play when we put unreasonable demands or expectations on ourselves and other people.

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